I’m Miserable

Misery

I’m miserable

Okay, it’s official. I’m miserable. I feel broken. Do you know when you see someone for the first time in a day, the usually greet you with “Hi! How are you?” You know they are expecting the answer “Fine.”

I can’t say it anymore. I just can’t. I finally came up with an appropriate response. “I’m miserable.”

“What? Oh, how come?” they respond with the obvious.

In my head, I’m thinking “Oh, shit. Not fucking again.” I want to scream at them and say “Duh!”

What I do say is “You know, it’s this thing that is constantly going on.” pointing to my head.

“Did they forget from yesterday? It’s the same shit every day, only everyday is a bit worse.” I’m thinking. Please stop asking “How are you.” I’d rather hear “Are you okay?”

miserable, in painI’ve relapsed and the pain in my skull is the worse I’ve ever felt since this all started. It feels like a crushing hand griping my entire skull and squeezing. Everything else seems to have resolved but the headaches? No. It’s almost as of my brain is saying in the only way it knows how. “Enough is enough already? Stop trying to fix me.” It’s true. Before my relapse, I was pushing hard to increase stimuli and repair the broken synapses in my brain. I guess I pushed too hard. The worse part? I thought I was about to resolve it all and return to normal. Shit!

For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m suffering. Oh yes, I am well aware that there are others all across the world suffering greater hardships and dealing with painful, even deadly situations. I get that. I really do. I feel for them and if I had it in my power to ease their suffering, I would. I do when I can, but it will never be enough.

However, I’m in pain. Each and every day. Some are worse than others, but over the past four weeks, my headaches have reached new heights. Most days, I’m barely making it through work, then on to an injury related appointment, be it physical therapy, counseling, doctor, or yet another damn assessment or test.

After that, I arrive home wiped out, depleted, and a mess. I lie down in bed, resting, often with my loving girlfriend lying next to me, trying to comfort me but honestly not knowing how. The fact that she is there, right there next to me, touching me, is comforting. Thank you hon. You may never truly understand how much you help simply by lying next to me, but trust me, it is a welcome respite from the painful crushing headache, if however brief.

I know I’m needy right now. I will not apologize for that. I need her more than ever, and I know she is just as frustrated with our lives right now as I am. I say this. Thank you, my love, for trying, and I beg forgiveness when impatience lashes out. I understand, even it takes a day or so to realize it.

I’m a mess and I know it. Thankfully, I do speak to a counselor, though these days, it’s more like venting and screaming the words that I can’t say anywhere else. That’s the thing. I keep so much bottled up inside because it’s just not right to vent to my girlfriend, coworkers and friends. They understand but there would be consequences to venting to them. I could lose my job, lose my friends and the worse would be isolation from my loving girlfriend who is the center of my world.

As for all my friends, family, and acquaintances, I have received your kind words, your reaching out to say, “I’m thinking of you.” et. all. They make me smile, and I plan on reaching back, especially in your time of need.

broken, unable to writeIn the meantime, instead of making it through one day at a time, I’m working on making it one minute at a time. Now, if I can only just finish up my book and submit it for publishing, damn, I’m so far behind. I just know that I have to get these polishing touches just right. Not the story mind you. That’s done and put to bed. It’s all the blurbs, cover art, book categorizing, and a bunch of other things that can make a book a success or failure. You indie-publishers all know what I am talking about, it just has to be perfect from the onset. Then there is the guy who want’s to help publicize my work if I cooperate and help publicize his work. I’m excited at the prospect. I just can’t get the motivation going to do anything but survive right now.

Now, back to resting and sleeping. Thankfully it’s the weekend where I can get a break from the past week … maybe.

Till next time, I wish you a good day and a better tomorrow. I think about you, my fans, often and I look forward to the day where I can get back to normal. (Though, my girlfriend will be the first one to tell you, I’m not normal. I smile and say “Thank you, love.”)

Mentally drained

Mentally Drained

Mentally drained

Just a quick note to everyone. Since my last post, I’ve been very busy, mostly with family and friends. However, I’m now back, at least in spirit. My body is straining to keep up with my desires. That is, writing and keeping up with my friends and followers, all the stuff that makes my life worthwhile.

Mentally DrainedThat said, since my return to work yesterday, I am mentally drained. Yes, that’s right, I’ve been off since last Thursday afternoon. At my job, I am responsible for various applications that are widely used within my client base. After testing several weeks ago an upgrade to this platform, I figured updating it yesterday would be a no-brainer. Over and done with, easy. Right? How wrong I was.

Instead of taking a total of three hours to implement and then another three hours to test, two days later, I’m still working on it. I figure I will complete the project tomorrow but one thing I do know, I will be calling the vendor once again. Yep, before I left today, I discovered something wrong that needs to be fixed before I can put the ‘DONE’ stamp on the project.

Yes, I know you probably don’t care about my concerns at work. However, it is affecting my ability to write and chat with you, my followers. When I got home yesterday, I felt so drained that it took a couple of scotches, dinner, and time in the hot tub before I felt a bit more relaxed. Early to bed and I slept the entire night, right through to the morning alarm. Great, as normally I’m up once or twice a night, and not for a trip to the head.

So why did I feel unrested as I got ready for work? And now after my shift and I’m home, I feel almost as bad as yesterday. I am once again, mentally drained, which makes me feel physically wiped out. “Hey, where’s that glass of scotch?” Or should I open a bottle of wine? Either way, something smooth will soon be passing across my tongue to chill out.

What does this all mean to my writing? Well, as it so happens, I’ve done little, and I’m stressing over it. Yet, I’m so mentally drained, I can’t seem to pick up where I left off. Sorry, everyone. I’m working hard, and I appreciate your patience.

Thank you for your supportSo, I’m off to find a bit of downtime. I appreciate all that every one of you has done for me. A new exciting book will soon be released, and I’ve got another nearly ready to turn over to the editors. With notes on several story lines in the works, I need to get going.

Have a great day and a better tomorrow.
Rich

Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude

What is gratitude? The way I see it, it is being thankful for someone or something that enriched a person’s life. The way I feel when I see people buying my books. Thank you. You are all awesome. A special thank you to those that recently purchased ‘The Taste of Honey‘ and ‘Broken Steele‘. I really appreciate it. Be sure to look for the third book in the series, ‘Lucky Bitch‘, coming soon.

I would be especially grateful if after reading my books, you would post a review. Reviews are the lifeblood of a book. I appreciate each and every one of them.

Plus, sales aside, reviews lift my spirits and soothe my soul. Thank you for your kindness and your review.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

A new fantastic review of ‘The Taste of Honey’ appeared on Amazon the other day. Thank you Reenie K for your comments. I do appreciate them. BTW, I hope your prophecy comes true. Wouldn’t that be something. Gotta keep writing, that’s all there is to it.

Thank youI also want to thank all of my readers out there who continue to buy my books. It’s really nice to see the sales charts documenting all of the hits. What’s really cool is to see the numbers not just from Amazon but the other eBook retailers out there, including Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, iBooks, Kobo to name a few. Thank you to each and everyone of you.

Thanks too to my loving girlfriend and partner in crime. She puts up with a lot to help me get these posts and stories out. I have two projects going at once and sometimes, I hole up in my office writing, leaving her to wander the rest of the house doing who knows what.

After months of little rain, we finally experienced significant rain as well as a few thunderstorms over the last couple of days. It is a welcome relief. I love my thunderstorms. Every chance I get, I sit in the safety of my garage and watch the light show around me as the wind drives bullet sized rain onto the ground. Weather wise, I love living in the northeast U.S. Our weather is mild compared to the rest of the country yet diverse enough that I am never bored.

Finally, a quick report. A month ago tomorrow, as many of you know, I suffered a severe concussion. I saw a galaxy of stars in that moment. While I am progressing, I am still not past it yet. Constant headaches, fatigue and short term memory loss are still an issue. I am back to work, though on half days. That’s good. I need the job to support my writing. I see Doc again this week and I can’t help wonder what will come out the other side. Crossing my fingers.

It’s been a good week overall and I am looking forward to the coming weeks ahead. How about you? Are you in a good space? Either way, feel free to comment. I look forward to reading them. I am Richard Verry, reporting to you from my home office, drinking my first cup of coffee. Delish.

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Cultural Changes of The ‘Purge Plague’ (Part 5)

Mona's Societies DNA

Cultural Changes caused by The Purge Plague

Over the last four segments, I wrote about the roots of the plague and the causal effects on Mona’s community. In this segment, I cover the cultural effects which resulted.

cultural changes due to gene splicing 58592066 - abstract education and science backgrounds for your designIt should be noted that while the plague was halted, it was not eradicated. Over centuries, people made many attempts to revive the extinct species. Huge stores of seeds were set aside on the chance that one day, they could be replanted. Attempts to germinate these seeds failed. A millennium later, survivors made little progress finding an alternate source of high protein food stores.

In the early days, societal controls fell apart as starving people sought ways to find the nutrition they needed. Populations started to diminish once more. On the verge of succumbing to extinction, the survivors banded together to deal with the stresses of trying to live. Through trial and error, often violent, they eventually settled on a systemized process to select candidates for conversion through random selection. Over centuries, everyone accepted that one day, they would help feed the future generations.

Population Disparity

Due to the disparity of numbers between men to women, it became commonplace for sterile women to supply the bulk of those converted for food. Afterall, they represented more than three quarters of the population. Still though, everyone submitted to conversion processing at some point in their lives. There were no exceptions. From birth to conversion, people lived their life based upon this eventual fate. In between, everything they learned, did and produced was focused meeting the needs of society. They became the primary producers, workers and sex toys. In short, each person lived to serve and contribute.

In summary, due to the inability to satisfy basic nutritional needs, they turned to each other. To manage the conversion process, a complex society arose to fairly deal with the new reality. No one was immune from this fate but a culture developed to de-horrify the practice. In time, the stigma of consuming themselves disappeared. It became a simple fact and accepted as a part of life.

 


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Excerpts

Excerpts from an interview I gave some months ago. The question explored dealt with the ‘Purge Plague’, a vehicle I invented to explain how Mona’s culture came to be. This is the final installment in a five-part series published over the past several days. Feel free to comment on the link at the bottom. I welcome your insights and opinions.