Mentally drained

Mentally Drained

Mentally drained

Just a quick note to everyone. Since my last post, I’ve been very busy, mostly with family and friends. However, I’m now back, at least in spirit. My body is straining to keep up with my desires. That is, writing and keeping up with my friends and followers, all the stuff that makes my life worthwhile.

Mentally DrainedThat said, since my return to work yesterday, I am mentally drained. Yes, that’s right, I’ve been off since last Thursday afternoon. At my job, I am responsible for various applications that are widely used within my client base. After testing several weeks ago an upgrade to this platform, I figured updating it yesterday would be a no-brainer. Over and done with, easy. Right? How wrong I was.

Instead of taking a total of three hours to implement and then another three hours to test, two days later, I’m still working on it. I figure I will complete the project tomorrow but one thing I do know, I will be calling the vendor once again. Yep, before I left today, I discovered something wrong that needs to be fixed before I can put the ‘DONE’ stamp on the project.

Yes, I know you probably don’t care about my concerns at work. However, it is affecting my ability to write and chat with you, my followers. When I got home yesterday, I felt so drained that it took a couple of scotches, dinner, and time in the hot tub before I felt a bit more relaxed. Early to bed and I slept the entire night, right through to the morning alarm. Great, as normally I’m up once or twice a night, and not for a trip to the head.

So why did I feel unrested as I got ready for work? And now after my shift and I’m home, I feel almost as bad as yesterday. I am once again, mentally drained, which makes me feel physically wiped out. “Hey, where’s that glass of scotch?” Or should I open a bottle of wine? Either way, something smooth will soon be passing across my tongue to chill out.

What does this all mean to my writing? Well, as it so happens, I’ve done little, and I’m stressing over it. Yet, I’m so mentally drained, I can’t seem to pick up where I left off. Sorry, everyone. I’m working hard, and I appreciate your patience.

Thank you for your supportSo, I’m off to find a bit of downtime. I appreciate all that every one of you has done for me. A new exciting book will soon be released, and I’ve got another nearly ready to turn over to the editors. With notes on several story lines in the works, I need to get going.

Have a great day and a better tomorrow.
Rich

Working Hard

All my life I have strived to do better, improve myself, help the community, love my family, and cherish my significant other. It’s hard work but it’s easy work as well. Seems like a contradiction, doesn’t it? I don’t see it that way. Take for example, the quote I just found.

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress. Working hard for something we love is called passion.”

Working HardWhen I read this, I didn’t need to study it. My mind instantly went to points in my life where I felt each of these emotions. I’ve had my stresses in my life but once I’m past them, I tend to forget about them. The feelings remain but the facts fade. I guess I do that as a way of protecting myself and staying healthy.

Most poignantly are the passions in my life. Building a shelf, lashing a complicated structure to protect life and limb, painting a portrait to get it just right, writing and rewriting a piece of dialog for a story; these are all passions I love.

I pour my heart and soul into my passions. My girlfriend and significant other is the most important passion in my life. I tend to put aside other passions in order to do for her. Helping others, even the little things, is also important to me. Whether it’s offering a drink to a house guest, helping someone find their lost keys, or helping someone in distress, I do with the love of passion.

When I put aside time to work on my creative works, my passions really come alive. I recall and relive those feelings. I get lost in the creative process. Even now, as I write this entry, my body and soul are coming alive as these feelings flood every nook and cranny.

Time seems to slow or even stop. Adrenaline floods my body, my mind focuses on the work and everything else disappears. It’s a wonderful feeling. In my mind, I go somewhere else. Just ask anyone who has observed me in this state. I’m gone from this world and I’m in another world. I’m so far gone, that it frustrates my girlfriend to no end. Whether she wants to make dinner, spend time with me, or just ask my opinion, she finds it hard to break in. When I finally acknowledge the interruption, I can get upset, even angry. I lose my train of thought. I lose my mojo.

I don’t mean it. I would prefer to not snap and get upset. She doesn’t deserve the response and she tries to be patient but at times, not. Sorry honey. Together, we work it out, make adjustments and move forward.

Yet, I can’t get away from this alternate reality I go to in my mind when I’m creating, painting or writing. It’s fun. It’s addicting. It’s a far better alternative to prefering alcohol, drugs or just being a dickwad.

I can’t wait to re-enter the zone of my passions. What about you? What are your passions that you love.

Leave a trail

Good morning all you readers out there. I had a long and tiring weekend but today I’m refreshed and happy. I spent Friday night with friends who cooked us a fine meal and engaged me with spirited conversation well into the night. Saturday, I went to a wedding at the ball park. After the wedding, the reception was held in one of the ball park suites where a battle raged on the field. After the game, I were treated to fireworks. I’ll bet that there aren’t too many people who can honestly say that they had fireworks on their wedding night.

Not that kind! Well, that too but I am referring to the kind where gun powder is fired into the air which explodes into a multitude of light and sonic boomers. I had a wonderful time. Sunday was recovery day. I was wiped out and I needed to rest and recover.

But I digress. I read a cool quote this morning which I’d like to share with you.

“Do no go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Reading this quote, I was hit with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, following the path is easy. It’s what is expected. Fall in line, conform, and do as your told. I know that my girlfriend would welcome this from me, at least, some of the time. Yet, one of the reasons she loves me is that I do blaze my own trail. I go my own way. I forage ahead and damn the consequences.

Leading Line To The Kyoto GatesAdmittedly, I’ve gotten into trouble on a number of occasions and paid a price for my independence. Yet, it is who I am. One thing I’ve learned in life is that to be happy with myself, I have to be who I am. If I’m not happy with me and who I am, how the f**k can I make someone else happy.

So, I walk where there is no path. I am enjoying this period of discovery. It’s filled with wonder and joy. True, I make a wrong turn now and then and I need to back track a bit. So what. It’s a learning experience. What I still need to figure out is how to leave a trail. I do so in my professional life. Yet, I need to figure out how to leave a more lasting trail in my personal life.

I have talent for doing things. Whether it is hanging a TV on the wall so it won’t fall off or grilling a steak to perfection, I manage to do things in creative ways that people appreciate, or so they tell me. Yet, it is not enough. I want to more. I want to blaze a trail for others to enjoy.

Which is why I write and paint. I can express myself in ways that is impossible to do in real life. Perhaps some of my creative works will survive my life. Wouldn’t that be cool? Can you imagine? What if a hundred years from now, some picks up one of my books and reads it, or stumbles across one of my paintings and says, “Wow!”

What would Mona think? Would she enjoy someone reading her story well after her author moved on? I think she would. There is a lot of me in Mona.

What about you? What do you think?

Goal without a Plan

I was poking around this morning, wondering what I might write about and I stumbled across this quote.

Quote-GoalWithoutPlan“A goal without a plan is simply a wish.” CalamusWorks

I can’t think of a day in my life where I hadn’t chosen a goal without establishing a plan. It seems natural to me. I make plans almost without conscious thought.

Take for example my recent move from my old home to my new one. Once the decision was made, I started developing the plan to make it happen and as efficiently as possible. It took months to make it happen but it did. Whenever I leave the house to do a number of errands, I don’t just get in my car and go. Instead, as I’m buckling in, I plan my route to be as efficient as possible. That means, go from one destination to another without crossing my path. Some people say I’m being ridiculous. Though I can see their point, I don’t agree. Gasoline is expensive and I don’t want to waste it by retracing my route.

When it comes to writing and painting, I also have a plan but those seem to be much more fluid in nature. It drives me crazy but I have to keep adjusting the plan as each day goes by. I know what my end goal is and I have plan to get there. However, I keep coming across so many unknowns and interruptions that I find it hard to stay on the path (plan).

Sometimes, it is simple fatigue. Sometimes someone needs my assistance and I’m glad to help. Sometimes obligations get in the way. Not that I don’t want to live up to my obligations. I do, though sometimes I wish they didn’t exist. I accepted them so I will make sure I deliver.

These and many more tend to pull me away from following the plan to writing success.

Which raises the question. With any goal and the plan that makes it happen, what is the measure of success in reaching that goal? Buying and house and moving, seems easy enough. Sign the closing papers and move in. Run an errand?

What is my measure of success in reaching my goal of becoming a well-known and successful author and painter? I have to give that some more thought. That too seems to be fluid. I want to be successful, I need to define what it means to be a successful author and painter.

Stay tuned. I’ll let you know what I come up with.

You sometimes describe yourself as ‘deviant’. If you consider yourself normal, why is that?

Stand out in a crowd

Let’s go back to Webster’s Dictionary definition of the word.

Deviant def: ‘different from what is considered to be normal or morally correct.’

Now mind you, I say that I am sometimes a deviant from the side of my mouth, in jest. Yet, I do feel that at times. I was raised in a traditional home with  liberal thinking parents and a house full of female siblings. I instinctively know that I think differently from so many people around me. Most of my community, including family and friends, are more traditional in their thinking than I. They are more conservative and middle of the road in their thinking. They aren’t open-minded and appear to be set in their ways.  

Normality, as in the American dream, was what I ever known. Religious, hard working, earning a living  and eating dinner at 6 pm with the family was my norm.

You get the picture.

Stand out in a crowdMe, I don’t subscribe to this view of life. It’s way too ‘vanilla’ for me. I rebelled from this mindset when I became an adult. I believe in whatever makes you happy so long as it doesn’t hurt someone else.

I believe in the right to love who you want, sleep with whomever, one on one or more. I believe in monogamy, polygamy and group marriage even though I don’t believe I could deal with the stress of multiple spouses. One is quite enough, thank you very much.

I believe in sharing and loving without reservation. With that, I do have expectations in those whom I love. I believe in polyamorous family units. I believe in same-sex marriage. I believe in being single as well, if it suits you.

I believe in power exchange in adult play among consenting partners.

I believe in doing what’s best for myself, my family and my friends. I believe in giving of myself. I believe that it is okay to have expectations from those you love. They say ‘you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends’. I say you can choose both. If family or friends don’t live up to your expectations and can’t offer you what you need, then I choose to find a new family and new friends.

Not that I live outside society’s norms. I will, however, try to rise above society’s expectations and pull the rest of you along with me, if I can. If I see that you have something to offer to help me rise to greater heights, I will accept whatever gifts you offer in attaining growth and enlightenment.

So to that extent, I consider myself a deviant … also normal.